Yet another day when I feel utter helpless. Don’t know how often will these days recur? Everything seems to be going all right and suddenly you are very depressed. It feels like I must be the most hopelessly hopeless of people to have ever lived. All the self respect, all the confidence just seems to have betrayed me. I was, just a couple of minutes ago, sitting almost totally exhausted, tired and bored. I have been trying to mend up things, trying to get a bit organized. But I fail. The frequency of these failures sends jittery signals running through my body. Things are looking bleak. Very bleak indeed! Yet another SG debacle is very much on the cards. Obviously it wouldn’t do wonders to my already eroded confidence. I am vulnerable. Worse still, I derive my vulnerability from myself. It’s the demons inside my head which I cannot fight. The same head which I thought has and would help me achieve great things in life. What a sham! I act as though I would be the last person to entertain any sort of tension, leave alone being involved in this enormous self-derogatory appraisal. I act as though I have complete control over every bit and piece of my life, albeit my life is crumbling into pieces. Sadly all that I do is act and the only thing amiss is action. What an irony! A pity actually! Even as I write this my ever-present laughter fails me. There is something really going wrong with my life or I’ll have to change my expectations drastically. This change, if implemented, won’t do me any good either. So the only viable option left with me is to fight; and fight with vehemence, because if I fail I might not be strong enough to face it. The loss, if I allow it to be inflicted upon me, might spiral me into an ever lasting oblivion from which I might never be able to redeem either myself or my self-confidence. For long have I lived life waiting for the “next” chance. Sadly we get just one chance to live. We either make it or break it. It’s actually amazing that this is the very line of thinking I had wanted to keep aloof from myself. Now that I do accept it, may be only momentarily though, surprisingly again it calms me down! There have been days aplenty which were to be a turning point. A day when I would get rid of all the vices! Now I’m too low to be even thinking such an utopian thought. To be very frank I don’t even know if such a possibility exists. Though, I very sincerely hope so! I proclaim on gtalk that “I have a dream”. I am not too sure as to what dream I mean or how am I going to go about achieving it (supposing I do!). All I know is in that dream I’m a much improved version of my own self. For me to get anywhere close to the dream I will have to actually improve myself! Quite trivial it may seem, but it indeed is no mean goal to achieve, given the abundance of my failures.
Yes, I still believe that one’s efforts can’t take him beyond what he is destined to achieve. Any case which seems to defy the above hypothesis is the failure of humans to see the obvious! Call it my ignorance but that’s what I think and would prefer to think in future. So when I think of giving this daunting task a shot, I firmly believe that the success has no way to go unless the way leads it to me. This might lead you to think that this was final nail in the ‘almost ready to be buried’ coffin of my success and my dreams. That all this gibberish was not worth anything! That this incorrigible loser is not going to change ever! But, it brings me immense pleasure to me to let you know my dear friend that you are wrong. The proof is going to follow shortly!
Cheers.
